Ineffable Ontological Detanglement .: Introspective Assistance & Mental Analysis Manual
You've been conditioned not to speak. Generally this one is for ladies, however it can easily happen to men. It doesn't just happen to weak willed men, no it doesn't, I can prove it.
Mine was my parents. I automatically developed by the age of four the knowledge that I do not get to speak, if I want to speak I'm going to get cut off and dismissed into nothing. With the others, I realized this is a false feeling. I'm not having to ever utter the words "Three subjects ago I wanted to say" with anybody else but my parents. It still kind of fucked with my psychology, in both good and bad ways, made me quite passive towards the idea of speaking ever giving a fuck if anybody hears my wonderful words, in some situations could make me appear as though I am the quiet weird kid, but, I'm not, it's just that nobody around me is worth engaging with. I don't really care what you think I am, I have a hard system of dismissal that pretty much removes me from your experience and places me in the land of dehumanizing you into nothing. Doopy doopy doopy doop. Hurr. I'm not even using it angrily in response to what you think I am, it's just the default, what you think I am occurs to me very little. It's something I've been flattening out my entire life, many many angles of potential within what you think I am, I've seen enough of them presented to me that I've learned not to engage with any of them in any way whatsoever both externally and internally. No you can't even get a dismissal, a dismissal obviously produces a brand new what you think I am. I can't even really make fun of what you think I am, I kind of can sometimes but I need to find an off angle of subtle confirmation for you. It has to hit in the manner that states I have no investment in this I have no investment in my having no investment in this, it has to be done in a single comment and it works best on the internet.
"Oh Mr. cool guy sad damaged into coolness." Yeah. I will be honest with you, obviously I would hate to just die without anybody ever having heard me, just disappear into nothing never able to draw the attention of at least a few hundred thousand people. It's a complicated feeling.
They would never never never break the wall of pointless babble, they would loop back to previous thoughts and try to extract more babble, happily and excitedly jump at the moment to explore a new stream of pointless babble off the initial stream of pointless babble. If I try to get in a comment in the moments I sensed an opening, I would get a cut off, either a happy cut off or an angry cut off, make sure to flood with more pointless babble and hopefully carry onto a new stream of pointless babble that never allows him to get his comment in. It only happens when they know I'm about to say something interesting, if I'm giving them their happy pointless babble they will listen intently with love in their eyes. If I am in the middle of a sentence and I don't automatically stop dead in the middle of it when they wish to speak and hopefully find a new stream of pointless babble conversational lock out, from my father I would get smug obvious frustration and from my mother I would get the "WOW. WHAT." face drooping near tears emotional horror face. My mother is subconsciously aware of the system, she gives me a loving smile every time the utilization of the system becomes quite obvious, the point of cut off, generally it is my father who owns the system. Within the angry cut off with my father is the very bottom of rage "CAN I SPEAK!??!?!" that will come out of him if I feel I am permitted to have a single word within his three hours of dismissive talking down to me. In addressing never letting me get a word in, he said that's funny because I've always thought you never let me get a word in. The moment that confirmed my theory is my father was telling a story about his glorious ego, my uncle begins speaking to me in a lower register allowing my father to dominate, I begin engaging with my uncle in this lower register, my father is FURIOUS. His hands go up in the air. He goes "FLEaughh..." He stares murder into my very soul. His face is the so obvious I can't believe you and I am really cool. It's so obvious. It's so obvious you are a nightmare of never allowing me to speak and I am really cool. He catches himself, surprised, pulls a face suggesting I hope nobody caught that. Carries on about his ego.
They would always warn me, every single time we meet a new person who is not an enlightened minded liberal and often times even if they are, remember son, you are not to speak, your philosophies are seen as dangerous to these people, you can be so aggressive, just so aggressive with your words. No in casual conversation I most certainly am not, not with the normals anyway. You're always expressing yourself, you're ALWAYS expressing yourself. Also no. Not that they've ever seen. Ever. You need to learn to stop doing this, people do not care for it, people don't like this kind of behaviour, we need to keep you contained you're off the handle. Again. No. I suppose this is all based in the three or four times they saw me break the happy simple with them and express about one fifth of my full opinion in a much easier to swallow manner than I'm actually thinking. I have never once in my life tried to penetrate the closed mind of a dimwitted conservative in person, I have done it on the internet though they can't reach me from there. No I was not one of those I was the same person online or offline, but, I go online to have discussion, I'm not concerned with discussion with the bulk of people who enter into the physical reality portion of my life. I have argued with conservatives in person, but I never do the thing where I go straight to what my opinion actually is and just state it, including my opinion of their argument methods and how these two concepts play into each other. I generally try to help them confirm a subjective observation and bring them to how their words do not apply within the realm of the minds outside of theirs, gently bring them to the happy feelings of comfortable hypocrisy. Such as homosexuality is an abnormality, you can clearly see it, I said yes by a certain technical wording there are fewer homosexuals than heterosexuals, however I've never cared for the societal definition of normal, implying that the majority decides the normal, you yourself can practice a certain distaste for many aspects of the majority thinking, the majority way of being.
It was a pretty blatant admission of the paranoid system of incorrect analysis. People are watching you, they're monitoring you, they may not understand you, they may fly off all over the place and think all sorts of things. With her, it would always come down to "People will think you're all our fault. They won't understand they're too stupid. They'll be capable of forming thoughts like who you are could only ever have something to do with us. You must not be you, you need to think about us." Underlying, deeply compartmentalized, this is what guides all of their feelings towards me and everything they do to me. It becomes painfully obvious when you understand the nature of the "DO. NOT. BE. YOU." speech every single time we meet a new person.